Words To The Wise

A double-post: I highly doubt this will ever happen again, but I'm incensed.

DRINK ON YOUR OWN
There are many benefits to this - if you get sad and morose, there's no one there to have their ear talked off. So you deal with it on your own. Also there is no need to try and keep up with everyone else.
You can play drinking games: hide your wallet, drink a bottle of scotch, and try to figure out who you are.

BELIEVE HALF OF WHAT YOU SEE AND NONE THAT YOU HEAR
Simple as that. The world is full of garbage, and the meaning of a sentence can be changed with a single word. A healthy level of skepticism will keep you alive and well. Much like the proverbial apple, if you believe that...

THE FORCE IS A CROCK - BUT GUTS ARE COOL
There are fanboys haemorrhaging right now, but I stand firm. There is no fate, no destiny, (karma is a dodgy concept that I think really just hinges on interpretation of coincidence), but GUTS, they have a level of perception that we can't gain with our minds. At least not consciously. Trust in their guidance, they know all kinds of stuff and they are rarely wrong.

WHATEVER DOESN'T KILL YOU ONLY MAKES YOU STRONGER
Neil Finn found a punchier way of saying that, and it's true. (one person I knew extrapolated this to a ridiculous conclusion - if you survive having your arms and legs removed you're NOT stronger, in fact you're in a very poor position)
We live and learn. If you learn, then yes you are stronger for the experience. If you don't then you deserve to go through whatever ordeal it is, again.

BE SELFISH - RULE YOUR OWN WORLD
It is a virtue to be able to consider the effect your actions have on others, and to work accordingly. It's also time consuming and highly inefficient. There are times when you should throw caution to the wind and live for yourself. Just do it. Don't think twice. LIVE A LITTLE.

Enjoy!

I’ve Got The Music In Me

(so someone please call a doctor – invasive surgery urgently required)

For those who don’t follow my every waking moment, I am going to give you a little insight into my musical history, and aspirations relating to said area. For those who DO follow my every waking moment…

Stop. Now.

At a young age, I fear I must have shown some aptitude at arranging noises into sequences. Whether this was done consciously, through a trial-and-error process to find the combinations that were least uncomfortable, or whether it was more of a Rain-Man-esque ability, I don’t quite know. But I do know that I was put into violin lessons at a very young age.

This was so far back that I often don’t believe it happened. But it did, we have proof – a very small violin which squeaks just the way I dream/remember it to. As you may have guessed (and quite rightly), I don’t play the violin anymore. There is no empirical proof, but I believe this is about the same time I discovered cartoons, such as Astro Boy, Voltron and Transformers.

Interesting Yet Useless Fact: Astro Boy and Mickey Mouse both have a peculiar design rule that requires both of their ears to be in sight, no matter what angle they are viewed from.

Next cab off the rank was what I can assume is some kind of industry standard – the piano. At the time, I don’t remember particularly liking it. And lessons were held before school, so we had to be up and out earlier than usual. (anyone who does know me, knows just how much I LOVE mornings. LOVE THEM.) But I soon grew bored of the piano. An instrument that allows you to accompany yourself, is fairly easy to pick up, and I now hold in the highest regard, and not even bribery/incentives could keep me playing. HOW FOOLISH WAS I??
(note: past tense – I’m no longer foolish. Ask anyone.)

Then there was the compulsory battle with the recorder in primary school – that instrument perplexes me to this day. It does not record. It does not AID your own ability to record…the name is a complete misnomer. I hate the name. I hate the instrument too, by the way.

Interesting Yet Useless Fact: In the original story that “The Little Mermaid” is based on, she had to kill the Prince and his wife for her to become a mermaid once again…rather than kill them, she threw herself in the sea and dissolved into foam.

During high school, I still wanted to play something. Something capable of creating pleasing noises. I ended up dabbling with the clarinet for a number of years, but the real problem with woodwind instruments (apart from very few being made of wood), is that it takes so much damn effort! Anyone who plays the bag-pipes is some kind of pulmonary masochist. Nay, I say, no more of the black and silver blowpipe.

Interesting Yet Useless Fact: “He-Man and The Masters Of The Universe” was created after a fantasy range of Conan-styled action-figures had been commissioned. To all intents, the cartoon series was just a collection of 22min ads for the toys.

So for a long time I had to do with no instruments, as I was pretty crap at them, and I really had no interest to master a piece of expensive and intricate machinery that I really had no use for. So I sang. That’s been an activity with mixed responses, let me tell you. But now I have SELENE! The black beauty who is always close at hand, morning noon or night, and is easily coaxed into life by a quick strum.

Yes…years later…I have aspirations of starting a band, with my new-found talent that is slowly emerging. Over the last year, with nothing but the internet, an awesomely thorough book and at least a good dozen hours of practice, I have been teaching myself to play guitar. And yes, the aspirations of a band. I’ll be the first to admit it, but I’m not really that crash hot at being serious about things. So if I was to be in a band, it’d have to be a band that took the piss out of itself, or was one big joke that everyone was in on. I like to rock, too, so the band would have to do that.

The line up is yet to be confirmed (I’ve called some people who know some people, and they are all going to go have lunch), but it looks like this could actually be happening. The band’s name? The most important element – the feature that will draw in the crowds, and make them wonder at the bizarre performance that will unfold.

SLAPSTICK APOCALYPSE!

Oh yes, we are here to rock and laugh your socks off. YOAH!

Q: Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? The Indiana Jones theme. Repeatedly.
Song For The Day: "Strange Condition" by Pete Yorn

It Would Make The Maxim True.

They say there’s no rest for the wicked. Considering my life over the last few weeks, I think that I must have been a pretty bad boy recently, as I have not had time to stop and reload.

Following on that train of thought, that would also explain why super villains always have master plans – as they are super-wicked (not street slang, just emphasizing how bad they truly are). They are soooo wicked, they must perpetually be busy, as there can be absolutely no rest at all. They are probably also insomniacs, and sleep deprivation can’t be good for the mental state. Probably accounts for some of their crazy, which in turn, makes them more wicked, and so on…that’s one vicious cycle they’ve got there.

Exhibit A: The Vicious Cycle – A Harley Davidson modified with chainsaw blades for wheels, and rotating spikes in all directions. Powered on Dettol, the bike had great mileage, and was remote controlled…and can go from 0 to 100 in less than a craft market.

So yeah, busy busy. That’s why I haven’t posted. (Thank you, QOD my ever faithful motivator) Right now, I’m in a hotel room in Sydney, a lamp shining down on me, a too-big-for-one-person room spread about me, a lovely inner-city view (ie: no view) from my fifth floor balcony, and a whole bunch of stress. Yes, that’s right – I ran away from Melbourne after robbing a bank with my new freeze ray. Not really.

Actually, Zeeds and I almost planned a bank robbery once. It hinged on our belief of how the insurance on the bank worked. We were probably wrong, so it’s a good thing we never committed the robbery. (That’s also probably a good thing) The belief was that a revolving door is technically within the bank’s premises, and so would be covered by any insurance policy. One person would withdraw a large amount in cash (say, a home loan), and go to leave the bank. The other person would attack them whilst in the revolving door, jamming the door with an appropriate tool, beating the withdrawer, and stealing the loot. As the door is jammed, no one from within can prevent the getaway, and as the robbery was technically in the bank, insurance will reimburse the loan…nice plan, huh?

I think the revolving door assumption was very very wrong though…

I went for a walk around the city before. It’s amazing how similar, and yet different this place is to home.
The streets are narrower, and many of them are one way (which according to my taxi driver is “a good thing, good thing”).
The place is dirtier, and much much busier.
I witnessed an intersection with 24 hour convenience stores of the same chain on diagonally opposite corners. The other two corners were a shopping centre and a building “for lease” – cynically I wondered how many 24 hour convenience stores of the same chain one intersection could sustain.
All of the stations here look old. I mean, our city loop is dated, but these places are archaic.
I saw a chinese dragon practicing for something, probably Chinese New Year.
I stopped counting McDonald’s’ because I lost count, there is way too many.
I saw one bottle shop.

Tomorrow I have to work. This could be very interesting. I will be looking respectable, and carrying nothing to protect myself from the hordes. Oooooh dear…

Q: Do You Like Brand Names? Only if they start with “DC” or “Marvel”, but that shows just how extremely dorky I really am.
Song For The Day: "You Will Remember Tonight” by Andrew W.K.

The Greatest Conspiracy Since They Changed The Coke Recipe

What I’m about to share is a terrible, horrific discovery that we made this weekend. When I say we, I’m referring to my partners in crime, Rhycimus Prime and Tabs-ula Rasa. That’s right, if you want to silence the truth, you have to take down all three of us, and I’ll have you know that none of share the same weaknesses. But the word will get out, we will share the truth with the world at large, the people will soon know your deepest, darkest secrets, and there’s NOTHING you can do!

Except kill us and issue counter-statements of a far more insidious nature that completely undermines our attempt at free speech. But that’s just nasty.

I am of course, talking about pop music. But more importantly, the secret code carried in it that has ultimately revealed great secrets and wonders that have been repressed. Through a very subtle network of influence, the secret message has been passed down, fragment by fragment until now we are in a situation to put them all together. Now let me return to the start, so you can see how this all began…

It started innocently enough. Like any other world-shattering event, the day started normally. The sun rose, breakfast was eaten, and then the sky rained blood as the vanguard of Heaven swooped down low. All in all, nothing unusual. So it was that Tabs-ula and Rhycimus began dissecting the meanings of various songs. We found this quite amusing for a long time. It’s amazing what silliness gets into songs.

Some songs are outright lies, whilst others are very informative on their chosen topic. For instance, Phil Collins sang “I can’t dance, I can’t walk, the only thing about me is the way I talk” in the Genesis hit “I Can’t Dance”, which is a blatant lie if anyone has seen the film clip. Then you get the weird, such as “Stairway To Heaven” – there’s absolutely no chance Plant or Palmer actually thought that was a possibility. And this is where the trouble began…

We began to look for the more nonsense-driven songs to have a better laugh, and we tore strips of Huey Lewis, who it has become increasingly evident, knows very little about the world. I present the following as evidence:
”You don’t need money, don’t take fame / Dont need no credit card to ride this train
Its strong and its sudden and its cruel sometimes / But it might just save your life
Thats the power of love”
I put it to you, that if Huey is unaware that trains don’t actually require a credit card to be ridden, he’s probably not the greatest person to be trusting for advice. And he’s pretty vague about the potential of love’s power over all, in that his definitions are ‘maybe’s ‘ or ‘sometimes’. The problem with this is…

Huey’s right.

We looked into it deeper. Love is the most talked about topic, and the one that has the most mystery surrounding it. After a bit of additional thought, we realized that the abovementioned song is the Professor Sauniere in our Da Vinci Code. (this is not to say we found Huey Lewis dead in the Louvre…) The problem is, Huey’s not quite sure about the power itself…but we found it.

(On a tangent, it was also found that according to Luther Vandross, “The Best Things In Life Are Free”, and as advertising has taught us the simple things in life are often the best, we can deduce that Vandross’ song is all about Corn Flakes. Thus, we can therefore discredit any further input from him.)

By taking a leaf out of Foreigner’s book, I decided “I Wanna Know What Love Is” More investigation yielded the following:

#1. It’s addictive: Bryan Ferry confirms this, as “Love Is The Drug For Him”. We also found that Barry White “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love”, further proving the demand that Love creates in a user. Robert Palmer was also suffering, as he was “Addicted To Love”. The Beatles were also heavily into it, as evidenced by “needing your love – Eight Days A Week”.
#2. It’s expensive: The Beatles also made reference to love’s price by stating you “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Not many artists are brave enough to comment further on the economical standing of Love.
#3. It has substance. John Paul Young stated that “Love Is In The Air”, implying that is currently in an aerosol form. The Darkness later went on record stating they wanted “Love On The Rocks With No Ice”. Whether it exists in multiple states of matter, or it is transmutable is yet to be determined. (The Clovers also possessed “Love Potion No.9”, strengthening both this and point #1.)
#4. It’s trafficked: Matt Munro first broached the subject through “From Russian With Love”, which the Sonics also alluded to with “Have Love With Travel”. John Lennon also reminded us “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away”.

So we’ve now found enough evidence to establish that Love is indeed a drug of value, many forms, and of a very illegal nature. But the question remains, why does Love hold such a strong appeal? What do people get out of it? The answer was found, not in a small chapel in Scotland, but in a track by Jackie Wilson, which was later adopted and brought back by Rita Coolidge, and then again by Harry Huntsberry. The track itself? A deceptively titled “(Your Love Has Lifted Me) Higher And Higher” This continued exposure is a sign that the Underground don’t want us to miss the importance of this track.

Wilson states, with no measure of uncertainty, that Love has the effect of giving the user a vertical lift. There is no denying it, Wilson was giving away the big secret here and now: Love is responsible for the power of flight. Burt Bacharach was dead right – “What The World Needs Now” is indeed love. This also explains the World Wars and ongoing conflicts in the world, whilst we are fighting, we cannot share the love and progress in human evolution. Once this has been surpassed, and love is freely available (the hippies almost got it right, but for the wrong reasons), we will then be in a perfect position to TAKE OVER MARS.


What’s that? You thought I had forgotten? No chance. Mars will be ours yet.

QoD – thanks for the message, I am pleased you think my content is good. I know it’s rubbish, but entertainment is multi-faceted. :)

Q: Who Do You Love? This was an album released by KC and The Sunshine Band in 1978. Title track was track #6.
Song For The Day: "Vampire Love" by Ash

The Next Album To Go Number One With A Bullet

(why this album is going to be a violent one, I cannot say, but chances are it’s all the fault of youth culture)

The first part of today’s post is a response to a comment I received. I don’t normally respond to these. This is mostly due to the lack of them, and if I were to set a precedent by responding, I would then be thoroughly let down when there was a lack of missives requiring replies…

(guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip)

So. The first letter for today comes from “Nonetheless, you may call me Queen” who wrote...

“Am I missing a joke? Am I really, really stoopid? Or have you made a boo boo?? ‘We spell it 007, we say double-oh seven, therefore it should be spelt 007?’”

No dear Queen, you are not missing the joke. This is actually the result of two things:

1. an interesting formatting quirk when moving text from MS Word to Blogspot, and
2. me noticing it, and dismissing it to see if anyone else sees it.

I originally typed ‘oo7’ is the correct spelling, but Blogspot corrected that.

Youth Culture 2, thenick 0.

By bringing said boo-boo to my attention, you are proving that at least one person is reading these rambles, and digesting the contents in more than a cursory manner. I appreciate that, and you should find a complete horse in your letterbox as a token of my gratitude.

But the real thrust of today’s rant, is a concept album unlike any you have ever heard. Ideally, this would be a live concert, as that’s the only way to truly experience these people, but as the logistics would be phenomenally hard to work, I’ll settle for a studio album. What is the concept, I hear you type? (I have good ideas – better than Youth Culture, take that!) It’s simple: Cover Music.

Cover music is a very potent, very powerful style of music. What you essentially do, is take an already great song, with it’s own unique ideas or hooks, and then you build on this by adding your own distinct “stamp” – something that identifies you, but also weaves that identification into the song…

A good example of this is “Knocking On Heaven’s Door” – Bob Dylan wrote this, and it has been covered a billion times, but Guns ‘N’ Roses version is one of the most renowned or recognized. (have a look for the song on wikipedia – the list of coveree’s is damn impressive)

I have a real appreciation for cover music – I once wrote a lengthy post about why it intrigues me so, my collection and what I get a kick out of, but that’s a horse of a different colour to burn a bridge once we’ve crossed it and cracked eggs in one basket.

But this Concept Album won’t be just any cover music…noooo, this will be classic rock, pop and well, anything else, covered by some of the most distinctive voices of our generation. People such as: Patrick Stewart, Michael Caine, Christopher Walken, Sean Connery, and more.

Just imagine! Sean Connery singing “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls! Christopher Walken out-creeping Johnny Cash in a disturbing rendition of “When The Man Comes Around” and wrap the whole thing up with a powerful upbeat revitalization of “Ice Ice Baby” by none other than Bob Dylan.



Well, I thought it was a good idea.

Q: What are you wearing? Grey pants, no shirt, no shoes. I look like a Caucasian mid-fight Bruce Lee.
Song For The Day: “Somebody To Love” (orig. Jefferson Airplane) by Jim Carrey

2007 – The Year Of The Secret Agent

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned (ie: not updated for almost a week)”

Say one “Our Father”, five “Hail Mary’s” and one “Glory Be”…

I was originally going to label this the year of the Cheese (big in-joke, but one that is pervading every facet of my life…like a cheesy virus), but after mentioning this to Rhycimus Prime, he looked at me, perplexed and said “The Year Of The Secret Agent”. Of course! I cried, slapping my thigh with my face, how could I have missed it.
But later, as I drove home, I was thinking. We call him “Double-Oh Seven”, but we write it “007”. Note the issue? See it? It’s right there!
See it?
Stupid-head…
We’re spelling his name WRONG!!!! We should be spelling it “oo7”. How can we possibly have been insulting such a dangerous person for so long?! You see, he’ll get us all yet…I’ll just tell him I thought we should have stuck with the cheese.

“Forgive me father, for I have cheesed (ie: made cheesy puns)”

Say one “Our Gouda”, five “Hail Mozarella’s” and one “Glory Edam”...


SO yeah. Back. Here I am before thee. I’ve had a rollicking week, learnt stuff, did stuff, broke stuff (yeah go on, tell us something new, thenick). But really, no, I did. It was just after midnight on New Year’s Eve, I was looking over the balcony and staring into the distance, watching as the brightly sparking fireworks launched haphazardly, but oh-so energetically into the sky, finally reaching their true flight path only to erupt into a completely self-destructive incandescent array…and a thought struck me.

I’m a firework.

No, really, hear me out. I come out with this insane ideas, and I am temporarily convinced of the complete and total genius of the plan. During that time, I forge ahead, my confidence and willpower being the perfect weapons to defeat the depressing forces of reality and common-sense (I hate those guys). Hatred is a sin.

“Forgive me father, for I have hated very reasonable and rational elements of the human psyche”

Say one “Abracadabra”, five “Hip-hop Hoorays” and one “Lordy Lordy”…

So yeah, off I go, leaving a trail of burning gunpowder, magnesium, barium and other flickering debris that is my genius (it deteriorates rapidly – what a metaphor!), and then just as I’m reaching the apex, the summit of my mad plans…BANG! And down I fall…
Down…
Down…
Down…
Burnt out. A husk of ruined cardboard and trace elements that is potentially bushfire-starting material.

And that’s how my plans go.

SO! My New Year’s Resolutions:

#1 Get Fit: Self-explanatory, but ties in closely with #4
#2 Do Something Creative: Kind of like being a firework…but without the explosion (and having somewhere to actually fly towards, I guess. Metaphors suck)
#3 Learn Something New Everyday: They aren’t exactly rocket-science, are they…
#4 Declare War On Mars: Read the last few posts – this will fall together. See, I decided they are not to be messed with, we need to be ready for them. I’m storing all kinds of weaponry for the inevitable war. I have colds, flus, microwaves mounted on cars (think about it…directional evaporative weaponry! VWAP!) I’m ready Mars. Oh yes. Let’s take this outside and settle it like bipedal carbon-based life-forms.

Q: What did you want to be when you were a kid? I wanted to be a scientist. Lord knows why, I'm crap at maths and cooking.
Song For The Day: "Down With The Sickness" by Richard CHEESE

An Open Letter To The Inhabitants Of Mars

I made a post last week regarding how the existence of flowing water on Mars could very potentially be the first sign of alien invasion, and then digressed completely onto a path of thought that would rationalise the link between these two concepts. Today's post is an apology to the Denizens Of Mars (hereforth referred to as "DOM"), and even to all other species of the universe, which I may have offended by gross generalisation.

It wasn't my assumption that the Martians want to enslave us and remove our brains that would have been offensive, rather that I reached that conclusion based on an assumption of the thought processes and deductive reasoning. To say I am an expert in cultural diversity would be an outright lie, and so this is where the offence would be. I do not understand, and should not ever have made the impression of understanding the way Martians think.

The problem we have, is that I was basing the mental journey our roving Martian took in accordance with the logic and decision calls that I would make. I am a representative of the human race, (hereforth referred to as "ROTHR") even if I am of a smaller minority of said race. My template is NOT suitable at all to judge Martian reactions. We'd need someone of a far closer psychological profile in order to even have a chance of second guessing the Martian. Someone weird…someone not like the rest of us…

First one that springs to mind is PeeWee Herman.

The problem with PeeWee Herman (hereforth referred to as "PWH") is that he is certifiably insane, and thus there is no way to determine his comparison to an average human let alone a potentially war-like Martian. So the problem we have, Martians, is that no one down here, understands you up there. We made the effort of sending Voyager 2 out there with a plaque on it giving you a run down on who we are, what we look like, and what music was en vogue a couple of decades back, and then we dumped some remote-controlled junk on your planet...WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?!?! WE'VE GIVEN YOU A HEAD-START! COME ON! DAMMIT! MEET US HALF WAY HERE!

...

You know what? I think I just got an insight into Martian thinking. They understand us. They read the probe, they've been watching our TV shows and listening to our radio programs. (they haven't seen our movies because we are old-fashioned)They've been observing from their hidden cities, and studying us.

They are watching us, and laughing.

A bunch of pale-skinned, weak-boned smarmy bastards (further from the sun, lighter gravity, not all derogatory), sitting up there on their red planet, their civilizations hidden completely from view, and sniggering at us. They've probably pulled apart the Rover, chuckling at the use of metals and batteries, and levers and cogs. That's it. I don't CARE how they think anymore.

MARTIANS! You come down here, you're in trouble. We've got nuclear weapons, tanks, the birdflu, we've got lasers, smart bombs, FREAKIN' SUPERMAN! Come on, come mess with us, we've got ninja's, pirates and people with planks of wood, just waiting to smack you on your shiny grey heads.
BRING

IT
ON.

To the people of Earth: if we are subsequently invaded due to my inflammatory remarks above, I apologise, and will be first in line with a plank of wood.

Q: Do you know anyone who is engaged? Yes I do. An ex-girlfriend to a complete idiot. The universe is laughing.
Song For The Day: "Junkfood Heaven" by The Forty-Fives