The Greatest Conspiracy Since They Changed The Coke Recipe

What I’m about to share is a terrible, horrific discovery that we made this weekend. When I say we, I’m referring to my partners in crime, Rhycimus Prime and Tabs-ula Rasa. That’s right, if you want to silence the truth, you have to take down all three of us, and I’ll have you know that none of share the same weaknesses. But the word will get out, we will share the truth with the world at large, the people will soon know your deepest, darkest secrets, and there’s NOTHING you can do!

Except kill us and issue counter-statements of a far more insidious nature that completely undermines our attempt at free speech. But that’s just nasty.

I am of course, talking about pop music. But more importantly, the secret code carried in it that has ultimately revealed great secrets and wonders that have been repressed. Through a very subtle network of influence, the secret message has been passed down, fragment by fragment until now we are in a situation to put them all together. Now let me return to the start, so you can see how this all began…

It started innocently enough. Like any other world-shattering event, the day started normally. The sun rose, breakfast was eaten, and then the sky rained blood as the vanguard of Heaven swooped down low. All in all, nothing unusual. So it was that Tabs-ula and Rhycimus began dissecting the meanings of various songs. We found this quite amusing for a long time. It’s amazing what silliness gets into songs.

Some songs are outright lies, whilst others are very informative on their chosen topic. For instance, Phil Collins sang “I can’t dance, I can’t walk, the only thing about me is the way I talk” in the Genesis hit “I Can’t Dance”, which is a blatant lie if anyone has seen the film clip. Then you get the weird, such as “Stairway To Heaven” – there’s absolutely no chance Plant or Palmer actually thought that was a possibility. And this is where the trouble began…

We began to look for the more nonsense-driven songs to have a better laugh, and we tore strips of Huey Lewis, who it has become increasingly evident, knows very little about the world. I present the following as evidence:
”You don’t need money, don’t take fame / Dont need no credit card to ride this train
Its strong and its sudden and its cruel sometimes / But it might just save your life
Thats the power of love”
I put it to you, that if Huey is unaware that trains don’t actually require a credit card to be ridden, he’s probably not the greatest person to be trusting for advice. And he’s pretty vague about the potential of love’s power over all, in that his definitions are ‘maybe’s ‘ or ‘sometimes’. The problem with this is…

Huey’s right.

We looked into it deeper. Love is the most talked about topic, and the one that has the most mystery surrounding it. After a bit of additional thought, we realized that the abovementioned song is the Professor Sauniere in our Da Vinci Code. (this is not to say we found Huey Lewis dead in the Louvre…) The problem is, Huey’s not quite sure about the power itself…but we found it.

(On a tangent, it was also found that according to Luther Vandross, “The Best Things In Life Are Free”, and as advertising has taught us the simple things in life are often the best, we can deduce that Vandross’ song is all about Corn Flakes. Thus, we can therefore discredit any further input from him.)

By taking a leaf out of Foreigner’s book, I decided “I Wanna Know What Love Is” More investigation yielded the following:

#1. It’s addictive: Bryan Ferry confirms this, as “Love Is The Drug For Him”. We also found that Barry White “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love”, further proving the demand that Love creates in a user. Robert Palmer was also suffering, as he was “Addicted To Love”. The Beatles were also heavily into it, as evidenced by “needing your love – Eight Days A Week”.
#2. It’s expensive: The Beatles also made reference to love’s price by stating you “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Not many artists are brave enough to comment further on the economical standing of Love.
#3. It has substance. John Paul Young stated that “Love Is In The Air”, implying that is currently in an aerosol form. The Darkness later went on record stating they wanted “Love On The Rocks With No Ice”. Whether it exists in multiple states of matter, or it is transmutable is yet to be determined. (The Clovers also possessed “Love Potion No.9”, strengthening both this and point #1.)
#4. It’s trafficked: Matt Munro first broached the subject through “From Russian With Love”, which the Sonics also alluded to with “Have Love With Travel”. John Lennon also reminded us “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away”.

So we’ve now found enough evidence to establish that Love is indeed a drug of value, many forms, and of a very illegal nature. But the question remains, why does Love hold such a strong appeal? What do people get out of it? The answer was found, not in a small chapel in Scotland, but in a track by Jackie Wilson, which was later adopted and brought back by Rita Coolidge, and then again by Harry Huntsberry. The track itself? A deceptively titled “(Your Love Has Lifted Me) Higher And Higher” This continued exposure is a sign that the Underground don’t want us to miss the importance of this track.

Wilson states, with no measure of uncertainty, that Love has the effect of giving the user a vertical lift. There is no denying it, Wilson was giving away the big secret here and now: Love is responsible for the power of flight. Burt Bacharach was dead right – “What The World Needs Now” is indeed love. This also explains the World Wars and ongoing conflicts in the world, whilst we are fighting, we cannot share the love and progress in human evolution. Once this has been surpassed, and love is freely available (the hippies almost got it right, but for the wrong reasons), we will then be in a perfect position to TAKE OVER MARS.


What’s that? You thought I had forgotten? No chance. Mars will be ours yet.

QoD – thanks for the message, I am pleased you think my content is good. I know it’s rubbish, but entertainment is multi-faceted. :)

Q: Who Do You Love? This was an album released by KC and The Sunshine Band in 1978. Title track was track #6.
Song For The Day: "Vampire Love" by Ash