JESS WINS! FATALITY!

fwawess victowy...

Wow, check this place out! I’m away for a month, and it DOESN’T fall down! I’m pretty damn well impressed. And here I was, having been convinced by certain ne’er-do-wells that without my constant attention and manipulation, it would fall in a deadly heap of broken words, and sharp fragments of mental imagery.

Harsh…

SO yeah. Through a campaign that involved pressuring of me to write, suggestions for titles, and a deluge of fan mail demanding I update (read: one comment pointing out the time gap), I have bent to public opinion and returned with a tirade of half-thought out opinions and even less-thought out plans through which I aim to make the world a better place.* (hint hint: spread the word and get more people reading- then I will be that much easier to guilt-trip into updating!)

And I have news. Oh yes…such news that you will not be expecting AT ALL! It’s true. In this last month, I have delved into those uncharted areas of science. The little cracks that form between rock-solid theories and discoveries. In these crevices of the unknown are the mysteries that we know are out there, but have yet to ask. They are the secrets of the cosmos that will change our world, but we have yet to unlock.**

But what is it? You cry with your mind-words. (Oh yeah, I know all about mind-words. Discovered in 1901 after a meteorite struck Russia and uncovered the first natural-occuring source of vodka.) It’s quite simply A NEW STATE OF MATTER! Yes! Naturally, we have four main states of matter: solid, liquid, gas and plasma. Well, now I know of a FIFTH.***.

It was a few weeks ago, I bought a container of jelly snakes with the intent of devouring the tasty reptiles during a particularly long and arduous meeting. In my infinite wisdom, I left them in the car. DUMB! But, by doing so, I completely forgot about their existence. (Reptilian hypnotic suggestion? You never know. Hiss) A week later, I returned to my car from somewhere, and was ravenous. I was so hungry, that the friendly neighbourhood horses looked panicky and tried to assure me their meat was stringy and tasted of old tyres. I ignored the horses (I had no sauce…in rhyming slang, ‘sauce’ is replaced with, ah forgeddit), and got into the Rhino**** And there, was the container of snakes – I had to eat them.

I popped the lid, and stuffed the first of the squirmy-looking lollies into my ravening maw. My teeth closed on it, almost ensaring my fingers in their eagerness. And they sunk in, chopping the snake into smaller jelly fragments, and then it happened – what had been a solid piece of confectionary, had altered it’s form and become a liquid substance not unlike PVA glue. My frenzied mastication paused, for at that point I realized I had made a significant scientific discovery. Jelly Snakes, left in the sun, take on a new form – for all intents and purposes, they are solid, but as soon as you damage the fragile ‘skin’, they dissolve into a gloopy, gelatinous mess.

But they still taste awesome.

I existed on a diet of these morphic snakes, and Kool Fruits during the training courses that were held last week. Kool Fruits are surprisingly addictive. They have something in them that gives you an initial rush, and then leaves you with a piece of rubberized lolly that you can only finish with, by crushing back down to it’s base molecules.
And then you want another one.

I had a shower this morning at President Ford’s place (I crashed well and truly last night. Indeed, there was a trail of debris that led to the site at which I came to rest at), and his bathroom has full-length mirrors. In those mirrors I caught sight of an out-of-shape, pale blob of a figure that depressed me and gave my self-image a beating*****. So on the strength of that, I made a resolution.

I’m not having a shower there again.


In other news…

-We have started our rehearsals for CABARET! I urge you all to get in early and get tickets – it’s bound to sell out this year.

-Big Big News: Warren Zevon’s back catalogue is getting re-issued, along with a brand spanking new collection of never-released material. Very happy thenick, indeed.

-Big Big BIG News: Ivy cat has returned! Yep, my itinerant cat has been re-captured and brought home. Harley cat was very pleased to see her sister, although is mystifed as to why Ivy felt the urge to go travel the world and not bring back and souvenirs...

Q: Would you get your nipples pierced? Highly unlikely. More so if the piercer is a guy named Ahab carrying a harpoon...
Song For The Day: "I Want To Par-Tay" by the Crash Test Dummies

*just not for Martians.
**much like the ability to balance a spoon on your nose.
***it’s not Milla Jovovich.
****The Rhino is my car: It’s grey and runs into things.
*****probably with a phone book.