Being a short discourse on pop-culture’s ill-defining of stereotypes.

(thenick thinks he’s being intelligent with that phrasing…)

I thought I’d give you all a bit of a treat today, and expose you to a side of my life I have previously kept hidden from this blog. Yes, the time and effort I devote to stupid photoshop jobs is indeed a large proportion of my life…it could be for the best, if I end up replacing the head of God on the Sistine Chapel, for example.

Instead I do this

Also, as the title suggests I would like to give my point of view on the way that a number of valid professions/ways of life have been distorted. These stereotypes have been given a fair amount of stick through uninformed commentary that has spread through the geek community like some kind of mental wildfire, igniting the dry-brush of your collective minds. (see what I did there?)

If there’s one thing I know about, it’s zombies and ninjas.
If there’s two things I know about, it’s zombies and ninjas and how to rip off Monty Python routines. (see what I also did there?)

Zombies

Zombies are not quite the shambling idiots you have been led to believe they are. If anything, they are actually a whole lot better than you or I. Their new state of being has left them completely oblivious to social convention, and so they live a blissful life of no stress. Man at the supermarket gets angry at you? Eat his brains. Getting booked for not having a Metcard? Eat the inspector’s brains. Cops going to shoot you for eating brains? Eat THEIR brains. Yes, zombies have it good.

Plus, zombies are never ever in a hurry. They live an idyllic, easygoing life that has them doing what they want when they want. It’s like living a perpetual holiday, and it doesn’t have the looming back-to-work date that a normal holiday is accompanied by. To be brutally honest, if it weren’t for the fact that they have such an insular community and are hard to find, I’d have signed up already. (in fact, at a number of parties people I have encountered have been convinced I’ve achieved this already)

The only thing that is preventing zombies from enjoying their post-lifestyle? Fascists like George A Romero, Danny Boyle and Zach Snyder. People who create their propaganda pieces portraying zombies as a swarming menace of unstoppable cannibals, or at best an allegory for consumeristic behaviour, and issues such as racism. Why they can’t have zombies represent what they are: a group of individuals expressing post-mortal athletic behaviour, I don’t know…

Ninja

The internet has got this one completely wrong. COMPLETELY. Like, so far off the mark that if it was any further off, it would hit itself (that sort of makes sense. Think “in the foot”). Ninja also lead a blissful existence. How can you do so, when your entire existence revolves around killing in a professional manner? I’m glad you asked. Ninja do this through the power of…well, I don’t really know. They refuse to tell me. In fact, real ninja refuse to do a lot of things with us normal people. Because we don’t share their same exclusive skill set, they look down on us. Real ninja don’t make public appearances, or make their profession known, or record regular blog videos.

Real ninja are machines of such destruction, that they have to be registered with all authorities (this includes the Spice Girls Fan Club), and monitored at all times. Due to such restrictions, real ninja don’t usually own up because living a life where you have to sign in every second gets old real quick.

Real ninja are a complete unknown. But like with zombies, because the stories are so persisitent, the chances of them actually existing are pretty good. They are out there, running the rooftops at night, and having a hell of a good time, whilst we slumber away…

Ninjas are real. And they love Danish pastries.