Opener From A Song Somewhere

...Pithy reply to said opener.

For the majority of these posts, I write rambling passages of hypothetical events or people, which amuses at least myself to a great degree. Instead of my usual brand of Martian paranoia, I thought I'd do a punch biopsy on the shielding that this blog provides to my life, and give you a tissue sample of the real world that lies beneath.

To really do this properly, I'd have to bore you to tears, and that would not do. Would not do at all. So instead, I've found an area of my life that is developing at a rapid pace, and would do well to be shared with the greater world.

I am talking of course, about how I wake up in the mornings. Firstly, to dispell the slanderous rumours, I only wake up in the mornings, I do not wake up at midday, tea-time, or Hammer-time. These are completely false accounts, and I would appreciate they are not spread further. Every morning I am expecting to be woken by the harsh droning alert from my alarm. This grating electronic dirge seems to have been chosen particularly for the effect it has on a nervous system, much like the sound of nails down a blackboard. As i said, this is the expected protagonist. Of late, there has been another sound responsible.

Initially, I thought it was crows. The sound was distinct, but after a few days I decided it didn't match the “caw! caw!” war cry of said black birds. My next thought was seagull, but similarly a small amount of investigation ruled the sound out as not being their “arr! arr!” announcements. My final, and rather hasty suspicion of chickens was dismissed when no signal matched their distinctive “ca ca-caw” and there was no accompanying, potentially homosexual clapping dance. Rather, the sound was a prolonged, guttural sound of air pushed through long disused lungs.

I am woken each morning by zombies. This prompted me to keep a diary.

11^th February, 6:15am
Zombies outside my window again. Their moaning has been going on for at least an hour. I opened a window before and threw a book at them. This didn't shut them up, but it certainly made me feel a little better. Hopefully they'll go away tomorrow.

12^th February, 6:00am
No such luck, they are still there. Went downstairs and made coffee. Felt better, poured the remainder out the window. Felt better still. Must remember to buy ear-plugs, books and more coffee today.

13^th February 6:10am
Ear plugs not very useful, can still hear zombies. Opened the window and told them to clear off. Also gave some harsh criticism about their sound as a group. They seemed to listen, and went away. Is this over??

14^th February 7:00am
No zombies today. Did a small victory dance.

15^th February 6:00am
THEY ARE BACK. This time they've brought a bass drum and a trombone. Much to my dismay, they have a slow rhythm. I also now know there is nothing worse than someone playing the trombone by wheezing. Threw birdseed at them = this is part of a bigger plan.

16^th February 5:45am
Woken by the sound of birds – birds trying to eat the seeds on the zombies! Did another small victory dance, until I realised this attack cost me more sleep.

17^th February 7:00am
I've finally snapped – called the authorities yesterday. Got sent to all different departments before someone would listen. Last person understood and apologised profusely. It appears the zombies were ordered by my neighbour. They have arranged the transfer and bought me a new alarm clock.


Zombies are still there.

Q: What advice would you give your younger self? Don't cross the streams. Crossing the streams...is bad.
Song For The Day: "Dance Epidemic" by Electric Six