An Open Letter To The Inhabitants Of Mars

I made a post last week regarding how the existence of flowing water on Mars could very potentially be the first sign of alien invasion, and then digressed completely onto a path of thought that would rationalise the link between these two concepts. Today's post is an apology to the Denizens Of Mars (hereforth referred to as "DOM"), and even to all other species of the universe, which I may have offended by gross generalisation.

It wasn't my assumption that the Martians want to enslave us and remove our brains that would have been offensive, rather that I reached that conclusion based on an assumption of the thought processes and deductive reasoning. To say I am an expert in cultural diversity would be an outright lie, and so this is where the offence would be. I do not understand, and should not ever have made the impression of understanding the way Martians think.

The problem we have, is that I was basing the mental journey our roving Martian took in accordance with the logic and decision calls that I would make. I am a representative of the human race, (hereforth referred to as "ROTHR") even if I am of a smaller minority of said race. My template is NOT suitable at all to judge Martian reactions. We'd need someone of a far closer psychological profile in order to even have a chance of second guessing the Martian. Someone weird…someone not like the rest of us…

First one that springs to mind is PeeWee Herman.

The problem with PeeWee Herman (hereforth referred to as "PWH") is that he is certifiably insane, and thus there is no way to determine his comparison to an average human let alone a potentially war-like Martian. So the problem we have, Martians, is that no one down here, understands you up there. We made the effort of sending Voyager 2 out there with a plaque on it giving you a run down on who we are, what we look like, and what music was en vogue a couple of decades back, and then we dumped some remote-controlled junk on your planet...WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?!?! WE'VE GIVEN YOU A HEAD-START! COME ON! DAMMIT! MEET US HALF WAY HERE!

...

You know what? I think I just got an insight into Martian thinking. They understand us. They read the probe, they've been watching our TV shows and listening to our radio programs. (they haven't seen our movies because we are old-fashioned)They've been observing from their hidden cities, and studying us.

They are watching us, and laughing.

A bunch of pale-skinned, weak-boned smarmy bastards (further from the sun, lighter gravity, not all derogatory), sitting up there on their red planet, their civilizations hidden completely from view, and sniggering at us. They've probably pulled apart the Rover, chuckling at the use of metals and batteries, and levers and cogs. That's it. I don't CARE how they think anymore.

MARTIANS! You come down here, you're in trouble. We've got nuclear weapons, tanks, the birdflu, we've got lasers, smart bombs, FREAKIN' SUPERMAN! Come on, come mess with us, we've got ninja's, pirates and people with planks of wood, just waiting to smack you on your shiny grey heads.
BRING

IT
ON.

To the people of Earth: if we are subsequently invaded due to my inflammatory remarks above, I apologise, and will be first in line with a plank of wood.

Q: Do you know anyone who is engaged? Yes I do. An ex-girlfriend to a complete idiot. The universe is laughing.
Song For The Day: "Junkfood Heaven" by The Forty-Fives