A Discourse On Ninja In Western Society

(first actual post)

When you mention the above notions (‘ninja’ and ‘western society’ – not so much ‘discourse’) to an everyday citizen on the street, they will greet you with either a look of perplexed-ness, that seems to say “what on earth have you been smoking?”, or a dangerous lowered-eyes expression that can only possibly be revealing their current thought process: “he knows too much – he will have to go."

But no matter what the response is, the scenario is still one of you raising a topic of great importance, surrounded by an even greater ignorance. Ninja live among us as “Urban Ninja”, and have done so for a great deal of time now. Being experts at espionage and secrecy, they have blended almost seamlessly into our culture, to the point that they can now walk amongst us without even the hint of suspicion being scented by the sharpest of our eagle-eyed members (what a clumsy mixture of metaphor).

For the most part, this purposeful portion of the population is made up of shadowy agents of intrigue sent to our rural centres during the latest World War. Sent on missions of intelligence-gathering and to act as a sort of “If I Go, We All Go” project by Japan (Go Japan, nice work), they have subsequently revised and revised their cover to the point that they are more integrated into our present social setting than a lot of us are.

(interesting yet useless fact: Urban Ninja do not suffer from peer pressure)

There are ways to spot them. A lot of their tricks and techniques rely on a level of disinterest being cultured in a possible observer. I will detail a few tried-and-tested methods:

1. A Whiter Shade of Black

Urban Ninja will dress in muted colours, predominantly shades of grey. Studies have shown that observers attention is not caught by such “camoflauge”, meaning you may look directly at an Urban Ninja, but later when you try and recall their appearance, your brain does the neurological equivalent of checking your watch, but not actually checking the time.

2. LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! IT’S A DISTRACTION!

You did, didn’t you? The Urban Ninja rely on that working. Unfortunately, it does.

Sometimes, they have developed a level of integration so powerful, that they are actually walking around and interacting with us in our day-to-day world. They could be the guy who makes your coffee in the morning, the quiet yet deadly efficient guy in the office, the terrible karaoke singer that no one even considers hurling abuse at – they are out there.

(interesting yet useless fact: Urban Ninja LOVE Neil Diamond. No one knows why)

One day, you will befriend one. You will find that you have an awful lot in common, and they will invite you over to watch the football/cricket/Iron Chef Finals, and you will think this is a great thing. ON arrival to their place, you will notice an eerie silence throughout the very close neighbourhood. You will find that their home/dwelling/cave is a spotless residence, and everything will feel comforting. But then you will notice some oddness:

-There are no pictures of family or friends.
-The floor is covered in brittle rice-paper (Ninja love walking on this, it’s like Velcro for cats)
-A plethora of sharp weapons will be liberally scattered throughout the house.

RUN.

DO NOT TURN BACK. You have only one chance, and for this to work, you cannot stop to even consider the consequences if it fails.

You must summon a Samurai.

(interesting yet useless fact: Samurai are the Ninja’s only natural enemy)

The rest gets pretty messy, but grab some popcorn and get comfortable. The ensuing battle usually goes for a couple of weeks.

Q: Favourite TV Show? Justice League Unlimited
Song Of The Day: “When I Go Out With Artists" by The Crash Test Dummies