Water Found On Mars: Denzel Washington Admits Responsibility

I received an email from Zeedar informing me:

”You hear they found a river on Mars? Only a small one admittedly, but it is liquid, flowing water and it potentially has fishes, which in turn are potentially delicious.”

I have to say, Zeedar is right. Where there is water, there is the chance of an edible creature, be it swimming, walking or amphibious. (We humans are omnivores; we’ll eat most anything. Even cars.)

“Government Man , Important Man/ Walking around at night
He's got his whiskey, He's got his briefcase/ He's gonna be alright”

Knowing that Zeedar's imagination is as bad (and by bad, I mean overactive) as mine, I decided I’d have to see if the general scientific community (and by that, I mean Google) would corroborate the story.

My first instinct was – typo: what if the headline was actually “ROVER found on Mars”. No real surprise – NASA put it there, and must have forgotten about it over the last few years. Nope, its’s about water.
Just last week they found water on Mars. And not water-that-is-frozen-and-most-likely-always-has-been. Real, liquid water. The kind you find in an ocean, a river, or quite possibly a car radiator. And you know what you find near car radiators? ALIENS.

“Now when you hear those sirens, don't you think it's just a drill
'Cos when El Presidente pulls the trigger, He always shoots to kill”

This got me thinking about alien invasions, like many subjects do. Are there aliens out there, watching the fish from the safety of their rovers? And if so, what would they think if they found water on earth? Filled with even MORE fish? (more water, ergo more fish. It’s a ratio thing) What if they get greedy? What if they decide they want our fish/water/cars??? That means one thing:

“There are Germans in Mexico, Germans In Mexico
Taking over tonight, Falling in love with your daughter…”

INTERGALACTIC WAR.

THEY WILL COME HERE, FIGHT US AND STEAL OUR BRAINS AND WE WILL HAVE TO FIGHT BACK, AND MILLIONS WILL DIE, AND WATER WILL BE STOLEN, AND WE WILL DESTROY THEIR RACE WITH THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS, THE COMMON COLD AND/OR TOM JONES MUSIC.


Or, maybe there will be peaceful contact and negotiation.

“There's only so many rabbits, That you can pull out of your hat
There's only so much time now - You know we're running out of that”

Why do we always assume intergalactic travelers have over-active aggressive streaks? Surely if they are organized enough to master space travel, they have also got some grasp of diplomacy. Except in the case of Darth Vader – he’s harsh. So, if they came down and wanted some fish and water, in exchange for, well anything they wanted to offer, would we say ‘thank you Mr Mars”. I’d like to think so.
But after watching “Starman”, the Roswell tapes and “E.T.”, I think we’d probably dope them the first chance we got, and chop them up for Science.

This is a scary scenario. I bet you that one of those little rover-driving aliens is looking into the river in horror as this particular outcome plays through his imagination. Blinking himself back to reality, he’s going to go pick up a rock and break any technological marvel that could possibly pave them a way to the stars, and will invest in a handgun next chance he gets.


Sorry folks, alien contact is off the menu. But we do a great martian marinara.

“Ayudame! American fighter jets! For without you we shall not win
They come with the light and take our women for sale in Berlin

Sing everbody "Deutsche Deutsche"
Vaya con dios amigos!”

*repeat to fade out*

Today's links were sponsored by Drummerthan...

Q: What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? Willingness to make eye contact, a twinkle in said eyes, and (hopefully) a lack of broken beer bottles for stabbing me
Song For The Day: “Misguided Angel” by Cowboy Junkies